Forget The World

 Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

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Signs your in America:

 a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

 Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.

 Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.

 Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.

 people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.

Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering

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Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack Shit?'' You would if you knew the full story.

See, Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit and Oh Shit, the owners of the Kneedeep Shit Inn.

Next came twin sons, Deep Shit and Dip Shit; two daughters, Fulla Shit and Giva Shit; and another son Bull Shit. Deep Shit married Lotta Shit and they had a son, Chicken Shit.

Fulla Shit and Giva Shit each married one of the Happens brothers. The Shit-Happens children are Dawg Shit, Byrd Shit and Horace Shit.

Bull Shit just married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Shit, and they are waiting for the arrival of Baby Shit. Now if someone says ''You don't know Jack Shit,'' you can say ''Yes, I do."

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 Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
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 A bear and rabbit are walking through the woods together. The rabbit finds a lamp sitting in the mud, they both pick it up and clean it off. Just as they finish a genie pops out and tells them, "You have both cleaned my lamp, so I will grant each of you three wishes." The bear immeatly says, "I wish I was the only male bear in these woods." The genie claps his hands and 'POOF' he was the only male bear in the woods. The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorcycle just my size." The genie claps his hands and 'POOF' he had a little rabbit-sized motorcycle. The bear says right after, "I wish I was the only male bear in America!" The genie claps his hands again and 'POOF' he was the only male bear in America. The rabbit says to the genie, "I wish I had a million dollars." Once more, the genie claps his hands and 'POOF' he had a million dollars. Finally the bear shouts out, "I WISH I WAS THE ONLY MALE BEAR IN THE WORLD!" The genie claps his hands another time and 'POOF' he was the only male bear in the whole world. The rabbit looks at the bear, looks back at the genie and smirks, "I wish that bear was gay."

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